treat here! I managed to
get the one and only Russel
Blake to finally open up a little
bit and talk about himself
... cough cough... choke, ok,
so really I just asked for a
post and he asked what
about, I foolishly said
"whatever" and the rest as
they say is history... or in
this case, the rest is Russell!
Five Things I've Never Told Anyone in an
Patricia wanted me to write something amusing, provocative and
different for her blog, but after deciding that would take far too
much effort, I wrote this instead. A blog about the most interesting
person in my life. Me. I realized that I could read all about me for
hours, and since I am sure that others share my fascination with
me - what I think, how I feel, what my hopes and dreams are - that
yet another blog written about me, by me, was just the thing
the world needs, along with cheap gas and cheaper organ transplants.
And so it is that I decided to open the kimono, so to speak, and share
with you five things I've never ever told anyone, except for a few
people on Facebook when I was pretending to be a teen girl.
But that's another story. A whole 'nother story, and a failed attempt
to serve a restraining order. But I digress.
1) I like to drink. Yes, this will come as a surprise to many, but I do
enjoy a cocktail or two. Or four. And I'm not selective about what
I pour down my gullet, nor do I confine myself to specific times
of the day. I'm a free spirit, and what better way to make everyone
I meet more interesting is there than with a few pops? So contrary
to the sanitized image I present to my fans while sucking up to
them and pretending to be something I'm not so they will buy my
crap, I am actually a bad boy the likes of which would put Mel
Gibson and Jan Michael Vincent to shame.
2) Pole dancing was not my original career choice. Again, a shocker,
but I had other dreams before I became one of the featured performers
with Jalapeno Heat's all male bawdy burlesque revue. At one point I
was a contender. Nobody could nude ice dance like I could. After
a few minutes of skating to Muskrat Love, there wouldn't be a dry
eye in the auditorium. And you should have seen the kids' eyes light
up when I did my rendition of Santa after too much eggnog.
Their little peepers glittered like diamonds, no lie. So when you
come to the club and see me grinding out suggestive moves on
the pole to blaring Motley, understand that I'm more than just
that. Although a ten spot in the man thong never goes unappreciated.
As a hint, ladies. And trim your nails. Please.
3) I cry whenever I think about Twilight or Fifty Shades. It's true. I cry
more than a car salesman at an audit whenever the topic comes up.
Mainly because if I had thought that the public would sop up that kind
of drivel with both fists, I would have been so all over it and made a
mint, and then all my critics and detractors could suck it while I did
body shots off strippers' bare midriffs whilst floating on my
mega-yacht chortling with glee.
4) My gruff, irascible exterior is all just a facade. I'm actually a
creampuff inside. I collect Elvis memorabilia and porcelain cat
statuettes and needlepoint scenes from the Kama Sutra for
relaxation, and have invested most of my personal fortune in
the fine work of Thomas Kinkaid, Painter of Light (tm), which
I consider to be the finest example of art in the last century.
And there's nothing I enjoy more than chatting with my friends
for hours about how nobody understands me while I have a good
cry and eat chocolate, other than cruising Wal Mart for housewives
with low self esteem and a basket full of Ho Hos. But that's really
just a thinly veiled cry for help and love. And free treats.
5) I write historical romance and erotica under a pen name.
While some believe that all men want to do is booze and watch
porn or football (or both - no need to limit oneself), they couldn't
be more wrong. After spending three or four hours at the gym to
maintain my washboard abs and chiseled physique, I go to the
charming cottage by the sea I built with my own hands out of
green-compliant, vegan friendly and celiac sensitive materials,
decorated with stuffed bears and quilts (another obsession of mine -
who doesn't love a good quilting now and again?), and once I'm done
with my volunteer work for the nine charities I actively support, I sit
down and immerse myself in tales of pirate princes and their reluctant
yet passionate conquests. My stories of alpha males with heart who
become captivated by strong, intelligent, independent women for whom
‘no’ really means ‘get over here and do me like it's my first night in
prison’ are perennial favorites with my readership, and I like to think
that I'm able to bring a certain sensitivity to the mix that's absent in
the genre. And no, it's not Mommy porn. I'd rather think of my little
vignettes as emotionally available, stirring epics with five to seven
borderline graphic sex scenes that emphasize feelings, three of which
offer at least some suburban-acceptable kink (no midgets, gerbils,
turkey basters or riding mowers) and the final one which invariably
results in the male character discarding his roving ways and declaring
true love. But no bad language, because swearing is objectionable
except where it's important for the story.
So there we have it. All about me, but with even more me than my
usual blog about me provides. I have packed in twice as much me
per line as my usual me-centric blog, which is all of them, really. But
I think this one really hits all the high notes and offers a much
more sympathetic glimpse behind the curtain that is Russell Blake -
a complex, enlightened, sensitive soul just trying to make sense
out of a crazy, mixed up world. And sell some books. Which by the
way, you could do worse than read. As a suggestion.
Russell Blake is the acclaimed author of
The Geronimo Breach,
The Delphi Chronicletrilogy,
Night of the Assassin, King of Swords,
Revenge of the Assassin,
Return of the Assassin,
The Voynich Cypher,
An Angel With Fur,
How To Sell A Gazillion eBooks In No Time (even if drunk, high
or incarcerated),Silver Justice and
coming in September, JET. He lives on the Pacific coast of Mexico and enjoys
his dogs, writing, tequila and battling world domination by clowns. His
thoughts, such as they are, can be found at his blog.